


Before There's a Chance to Begin

by greenteaduck



Category: Star Trek RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Male Slash, Rating: NC17, Sexual Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-21
Updated: 2013-01-21
Packaged: 2017-11-26 07:28:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/648081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenteaduck/pseuds/greenteaduck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chris is a first year in college and makes friends with Zach, a hipster drama major. They have a good friendship but when Chris finds out Zach is gay he freaks out and begins to question his own sexuality. With help from John, Chris' roommate, Chris goes on a coming of age journey.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Before There's a Chance to Begin

**Author's Note:**

> I could not have done this without the encouragement from my beta alostcorner <3 Thank you SO much!  
> ___  
> Posted originally at my lj in 2010

The parties at college were different than the ones in high school.

That sense of unease was gone, for one. The anxious feeling that was brought on when the host of the party kept glancing at the clock, checking to see if it was time to shoo everyone home before the parents returned. While the party guests were given the chore of not breaking  _too_ many expensive looking items.

Another big difference in college was the booze or, rather, the  _amount_  of booze. It was everywhere, unlike in high school where it was the crappy stuff from parents’ cabinets unless, of course, someone had snagged a fake ID.

The number of PDAs was normal, although maybe a little less awkward looking than in high school. And it seemed as if everyone was hitting on someone in the small dorm room that night.

Chris took a sip of his beer and watched a couple making out in the corner. They were just visible in the dim light, their bodies turned away from the rest of the party. He was impressed that they could shut out everything else in the room and Chris turned his head away in order to resist the childish urge to tell them to get a room.

There were some students trying to strike conversation, shouting over the music. It was the usual small talk: “What’s your major?”, “Where are you from?”, “What Rez are you in?”, all the usual ice breakers. Most people had decided to forego talking and were choosing instead to grind in the middle of the room, against the wall, or in the hallway where the party had overflowed. John Cho, Chris’s roommate, was chatting up a pretty looking girl in the doorway and Chris shook his head as she laughed loudly.

Turning the other way, Chris spied a tall guy through the haze of bodies leaning against the wall. Chris had almost missed him as he was pressed into the darkest corner of the room and, although Chris had to admit he wasn't bad-looking, he looked a little boring. Or at least he did not look overly enthusiastic about being there. It was almost as if he was a ghost, observing the party as it went on without him. He was drinking from a bottle of beer, which looked imported Chris noted, and wearing a striped blue scarf with a grey t-shirt.  _Snob_ , Chris labelled quickly with a slight curl to his lip. He was about to look back to the couple making out only to then realize the guy was watching him.

The man raised an eyebrow and Chris hesitated before moving to stand next to him, feeling a little sheepish.

“Hey,” he nodded. “I’m Chris.”

“Zach,” he replied. It wasn’t an overly sophisticated name like Chris had expected. And now that he got a good look at him, this guy—Zach—really did look otherworldly. He was tall, well-muscled, with hair everywhere and a great chin. It was weird to think but it was true. It was a nice chin. “First college party?”

“Y-yeah...” Chris ducked his head. “And you? Are you a first year?”

Zach took a drink and slowly swallowed it. Not in an obnoxious swirl-it-around way but more as if he actually tasted it instead of chugging it like most of the people there. “I’m ‘the roommate’.”

“Oh,” Chris immediately understood, relaxing against the wall. “Not your idea of a fun Saturday night?”

“Not my usual scene, nope,” Zach said with a huff and turned to look at Chris. His eyes were hidden behind thick rimmed glasses but Chris was stunned by how dark they were. Zach looked him up and down before he gave a tiny grin, “ _Obviously_  it’s your scene though.”

Chris gave a confused expression before looking down at his shirt where Zach’s eyes were trained. The name of the college was written in huge type across his chest along with ‘I’M TOO SEXY FOR THIS SHIRT’ written under that. It was the shirt everyone got for free from the university in the welcome bag. “Oh, no I don’t usually wear this kind of thing,” he tried to defend his attire, hands moving frantically as if that would illustrate his point better. “Can’t you let a guy fit in?”

“You look like a poseur,” Zach laughed finding the whole situation funny.

“Fuck you, man!” Chris found himself smiling instead of being offended.

“Relax,” Zach continued to look contented at Chris. The guy had an infectious laugh. Like it broke away this shield Zach had on and it was like he became childlike, all full of glee. Chris couldn’t help but grin a little wider, his eyes crinkling a little. But just a little. “What’s your major?”

“English. You?”

“Drama,” Zach appraised Chris, chin raised a tad. “Are you taking English as an easy degree or are you actually interested in literature?”

“I can quote things other than Shakespeare if that’s what you mean.”

This seemed to please Zach and he patted his pockets. “I’m gonna have a smoke. Want to join me?”

Chris couldn’t help but beam. “Yeah, okay.”

***

The journey out of the dorm had been difficult to say the least. They had just barely made it through the mass of bodies in the hallway, pushing off girls who kept grabbing at their asses and narrowly avoiding a pile of puke on the floor. A burly first year had almost knocked Chris down the stairs but Zach had reached for his hand in the nick of time, saving him from a fall that would have surely caused a sprained ankle.

They held on tight to each other until they made it outside.

 The cool night air welcomed them to safety and only then did Chris realize how suffocating the atmosphere inside had been. He took out his pack of cigarettes and shared the light Zach offered. They perched themselves up against the wall of the residence and Chris relaxed as he exhaled the smoke from his lungs. Zach took a long drag from his own cigarette, obviously needing a break from the party badly. He had a nice mouth, Chris observed and he watched the way Zach’s tongue licked at the smoke before circling back in. It was oddly hypnotizing to watch.

“So a drama major,” Chris filled the silence as he knocked a few embers out of his cigarette and looked away from Zach’s mouth. “That’s cool.”

“Thanks,” Zach gave a tiny smile.  “English sounds interesting.”

“Yeah, I hope it’ll be good...,” Chris mumbled as he sank into the calm atmosphere. The quiet was soothing and his eyelids drooped a little as he watched Zach chew at the filter on his smoke, both of them leaned against the warm brick of the building.

There seemed to be a party going on all over campus, each building vibrating with loud music while outside students roamed the new environment. Chris could spy a guy peeing on one of the school’s oldest buildings and he nudged Zach to look. Zach laughed and shook his head as the guy ran away. Right then, despite all of the craziness that was happening, Chris felt a sense of peace that he hadn’t felt all day. Hell, he hadn’t felt like this all summer. The slight drowsiness from drinking clouded his mind and the smoke from his cigarette hazed his vision and the presence of a new friend made him feel safe.

“Thanks,” Chris murmured after a moment. He turned to look at Zach who had a confused expression on his face and even Chris was unsure what he was actually thanking him for.

“You’re welcome...?” Zach said, cigarette bobbing in his mouth.

The embers glowed and shone in front of Zach’s face, making his glasses shine. Chris watched the way his own cigarette tip seemed to float in the dark. He tilted his head back and peered up at the sky. The stars were barely visible and only a few peeked through the clouds. Chris exhaled and shivered, suddenly feeling the cold through his free t-shirt. Zach moved closer, his shoulder bumping against Chris’s. Chris stopped looking at the non-existent stars and laid his eyes on Zach.

It was like he was brought back down to reality. Not that he felt the weight of the world all of a sudden. But more like this guy made him feel anchored. The giant sky above him and the madness happening around them all seemed to fade and he was brought back just by looking into those brown eyes. Chris chuckled again.

_God, how drunk am I?_

***

“Dude, it’s almost 1AM and I have a class in eight hours,” John complained from under the pillow where his head was taking sanctuary. “Can you  _please_  turn off the light?”

“Give me ten minutes,” Chris said as he added the final touches to his essay. Writing about the portrayal of First Nations in early American literature wasn’t exactly the way he’d originally planned to spend his night. In fact he had actually been thinking of going to sleep early but the 2000 word essay—which he could have sworn was due next week and not tomorrow morning—had put a chink in those plans.

“Fuck!” John groaned. “Can you go under your blanket or something? Pretend you’re jacking off discreetly.” He laughed, his sleep deprived brain finding his own quip funny.

Chris typed quickly as he thought up the ending sentence—“leave the reader thinking,” he heard his TA’s voice repeating in his mind—and then did a quick read through for mistakes. It was the crappiest thing he’d ever written but damn good for having finished it in less than twenty four hours. “Done!” He proclaimed loudly.

John chimed in with a mock cheer. “Print it out tomorrow...” He rolled over from under his pillow as Chris closed his lap top and, finally, turned the lamp off.

“Can I use your printer then?”

“Out of ink.”

Chris’s tongue licked at his dry lips anxiously as he dropped himself on to his bed, exhaustion finally taking over. “I’ll just run over to Zach’s before class then.”

“You guys are close,” John yawned. “Was he here all day?”

“Yeah,” Chris yawned back.

Chris and Zach had three classes together, meaning that they spent  _a lot_  of time with one another whether they really meant to or not. It had been over a month since school had started and the semester was well underway with midterms just around the corner. The two often spent long hours in the library or in each others’ dorm common rooms, watching bad movies on cable while using the money on their student cards to buy junk food. College didn’t seem quite as intimidating as it had been when Chris had first started but the work load was insane. John always seemed to be working on project after project for his classes too. And when he wasn’t doing that he was hanging out with Karl, a student who lived in the same residence as them.

Zach stayed in a different dorm on the other side of campus. Chris couldn’t help but give a sleepy smile as he thought of how Zach had literally been with him the entire day. He had returned to his residence long after the sun had set after cheering Chris on in his academic journey. Zach had brought Chris food and even skipped a tutorial so Chris wouldn’t have to eat dinner alone. It wasn’t like Zach wasn’t working on his own stuff too. He’d claimed a spot on the foot of Chris’s bed while reading through an Oscar Wilde play.

Now as Chris slipped into a deep slumber he pushed his feet into the spot Zach had left and wondered if he was coming over tomorrow too.

***

There was a chill in the air that turned Chris’s nose pink and chapped his lips. He observed his surroundings with tired eyes as he curled up tighter on the metal bench. It was just before his early morning class and only a few students were milling about the street, leaving not a whole lot to look at. The trees had lost most of their leaves but there were still a few hanging on to the branches although Chris doubted they would make it through the day. The sky was grey and he could spy the sun slowly rising above the engineering building in the East. The students were starting to wear sweaters with their track pants and they walked about campus without any hesitation.  No one carried a map with them anymore or forgot their student card in their dorm which made Chris feel an odd sense of pride for his fellow first years.

A particularly nasty wind chose right then to kick up dust and dry leaves into his eyes. He shivered, regretting his last minute decision to ditch his jacket, and itched at his eyes. It was too early though to think about what was practical to wear. It was really a miracle that he’d even remembered socks.

“Wake up, Chris.” He blinked rapidly, his eyes a little watery, and looked up to see Zach towering over him, a slight smile playing at his lips.

“Hey, man,” Chris said, allowing Zach to help him stand up from the bench. Zach’s hair was gelled back and he was wearing his glasses instead of his usual contact lenses. To pull the outfit altogether was a tweed coat that went down to his mid thigh and a pair of black, leather boots. Obviously Zach had found time to dress up for the lecture. Although Chris thought perhaps not as he could see a pair of ratty denim shorts hiding under the coat.

“Long time no see,” Zach smiled and Chris broke into a grin. He now noticed Zach hadn’t shaved and there was a nice bit of scruff going all the way down his neck. It looked soft. “It’s got to have been, what? A whole day since I last saw you?”

“Too long,” Chris played along and Zach wrapped his arm casually around Chris’ shoulder as they moved into the campus coffee shop.

As they stepped inside the cafe Zach lifted his head to sniff at the air. The coffee that was sold at the student run store was shit but it was better than going back to the kitchen at the residence to find a dirty coffee maker complete with dirty mugs. Zach placed his face back down against Chris and snuggled in close.  Chris protested Zach’s weight as he leaned further onto him, both arms wrapping around his body. Zach ignored him though and pushed his face against Chris’s cheek and pretended to sleep. Chris didn’t protest the warm breath on his neck and even the beard burn wasn’t too bad.

 “Hey,” Chris said pointing to a sign as they stood at the back of the line, jostling Zach a little. The handmade sign was advertising a fundraiser the school was holding. Apparently the Art History program needed money and was hosting a scratch card contest with the big prize being the newest generation of iPhone. “I could use a new cell phone...” Chris swiped his tongue along his dry lips.

“They couldn’t get an iPad?” Zach murmured. “I guess winning a doughnut would be nice.”

Chris’s tummy gurgled in agreement. They made their orders, each of them getting a scratch card from the cashier, before making their way to class. Chris slurped at his drink, burning his tongue in the process but at least it gave him a jolt of energy. He scratched at his card which revealed a  _sorry, please play again_.

“Hmm,” Zach gave a tiny hum as he looked at his own card.

“Did you win a car?” Chris snorted and peeked over Zach’s shoulder to snoop at the card. “Ah no way, man!”

Zach raised a playful eyebrow at Chris. Showing off the  _You have won a year’s worth of coffee!_ to Chris.

“Shit,” Chris took a gulp of his drink in disdain. “Now I am actually jealous.”

“Want it?” Zach began to wave it in front of Chris’s face.

Chris laughed at Zach but when he stuck the paper in his pocket Chris couldn’t help but be surprised. “Really?”

“You drink way more coffee than me,” Zach shrugged. “It makes sense.”

“Are you sure?” Chris asked. Zach nodded, a smile crinkling his eyes. “Fuck!” Chris whooped. “Thanks! God, I could fucking kiss you right now!”

Zach gave a chuckle and Chris thought he spied a slight blush staining Zach’s cheeks--it must have been because of the weather. Chris followed Zach inside the lecture hall, a little bounce in his step. There were almost no students due to it being an early class and the ones who had shown up were discreetly dozing in their seats. Zach filed into the middle row and took his spot.

“Have you heard about the play their doing this year?” Zach asked once Chris settled in his chair.

Chris took a long sip of the coffee, tongue seeking out the last few drops on his upper lip. “I’ve seen a few posters for auditions,” he said. “I assume you want to do this play?”

“Of course,” Zach gave a coy smile and batted his eye lashes a bit. “They're doing Twelfth Night, while not my favourite Shakespeare play, I want to do it.”

“Do first years usually get lead parts?”

Zach shook his head. “I like challenges though.” He gave a tiny wink and Chris swallowed his coffee too fast. He had no doubts Zach would fight hard for the lead part and he threw an encouraging smile to Zach as the lecture began, trying to ignore his burnt tongue.

***

Chris had brought pizza from campus back to his room. He still intended to make actual food sometime this year but buying something was just so much easier. Carefully, he opened the door with his foot, managing his bag and food all in one hand.

No sooner did he open it though then John crept in under his arm.

“Wow, man!” Chris said, manoeuvring himself carefully inside. “You almost knocked me over!”

“Sorry,” John apologised. “Listen, I’m heading to the grocery store. Do you want me to get anything for you? Cereal, toothpaste?”

“Nah man, it’s cool.”

“What about coffee? I haven’t seen you drinking that fancy stuff you like in days.”

“Oh!” Chris reached into his pocket and held up the paper he had received from Zach.

“...I have no fucking idea what that means.”

“Zach gave it to me.” Chris beamed as he placed the paper back into his pocket. “It’s free coffee from the student marketplace for a whole fucking year!”

John blinked and whistled. “Man, what did you do to repay him?”

Chris shrugged. “I don’t know. I haven’t actually done anything for him yet. I could, like, give him all the dibs on every girl we see or something. Do something special for him.”

John gave a loud laugh at that. “I don’t think Zach would be too into that.”

Chris looked a little confused at John but continued on. “Alright, well I dunno maybe give him my most valuable porn or something.”

John laughed even louder and Chris couldn’t hide his irritation anymore.

“...Am I missing something...?”

John stopped his giggles. “Dude, are you serious?”

Chris continued to look confused. “What?”

“I think your taste in porn differs from Zach’s,” John gave him a nudge with his elbow and a knowing look.

“Why?” Chris wasn’t sure how John would know what Zach’s ‘tastes in porn’ even were considering they didn’t hang out together too often. “Did he tell you he’s into super kinky stuff or something?”

“Serious?” John shrugged. “Dude, Zach’s gay.”

Chris’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline.

“So no coffee then?” John stood up and zipped his jacket up to his chin. Chris was still standing, pizza in hand, mouth open slightly.  _Zach was gay?_  Since when? When did that happen? Maybe John was kidding or assuming but, then again, John wasn’t the type to kid about someone’s sexuality. It wasn’t really his style. He liked to joke around but this definitely didn’t seem like it had a punch line coming.

“Chris?” John waved a hand in front of Chris’s face and broke through his thoughts. “I said, so you don’t need coffee?”

Chris just shook his head. “I’m good. Thanks.”

John seemed to linger a little as if he was making sure Chris didn’t fall over or faint or something. When he finally seemed pleased with Chris sitting in his chair by his desk he headed out to leave. “Oh, hey,” John said, holding the door open. “There’s a party going on tonight, do you want to come?”

“N-nah,” Chris stuttered. “I think I’m just going to head to bed.”

John looked a little worried but gave a nod, “Okay,” and left it there.

The door closed and Chris sat still for awhile, his palms open on his knees and his head hung low. He glanced at his piece of pizza and pushed it into the garbage when he realised he wasn’t that hungry. His mind just kept getting stuck on the fact that Zach was gay. It wasn’t a big deal, Chris knew that, and yet for some reason it felt huge. He closed his eyes tight and opened one of his books after a few minutes. He tried reading for his modern English class but his mind kept wandering and he read the same paragraph over and over.

He wasn’t even sure why he was dwelling on this. He knew people that were gay but for some reason when it was Zach it was... different. He couldn’t help but wonder what Zach had done or what he was doing right then.

_Was he seeing someone?_

Chris scratched the back of his head in irritation. Fuck, why was this bothering him? Yes, Zach was more cultured and manicured than the other college boys. But, frankly, everyone was more groomed than a guy in college. Half of them didn’t shower and the other half wore the same clothes all week. It was common. Chris moved to his bed and pressed his face into the pillow.

It still smelt a little like home. Not his home now, but his home with his Mom and his Dad and his sister. Usually Chris didn’t feel nostalgic but right then he longed for the normality and the domesticity instead of the party lifestyle and... everything. He wanted his life to be simple. Chris flipped onto his back and looked about his room.

The dorm had a funk to it. The smell of pizza crusts, ramen bowls and unwashed clothes hung around the air. The smell of Febreze was strong but not overpowering like John had hoped when he’d dosed the room in two bottles. He wondered if Zach’s room smelled like candles and coffee or maybe even wine. He laughed at himself. Zach was living in the same shitty set up just around the corner.

Chris cleared his throat and decided not to think about Zach and his proximity. He turned onto his side and looked at his bedside table. Pictures of his family and friends sat atop a pile of magazines. He propped himself on his elbow and took in the picture of his family and gave a tiny smile at a picture Karl, John’s friend, had took of them all at a party.

Everyone was obviously more than a little tipsy. Karl was red faced, a huge grin filling up most of the picture. John was kissing his cheek and most likely popping his foot overdramatically out of frame. In the corner though was Chris, a content look on his face, and beside him was Zach. He had the tiniest smile on and his arm was wrapped around Chris’s waist matching Chris’s arm over Zach’s shoulder.

They did that a lot.

Not the smiling, although, yeah, they did that too, but the touching. They would cling to each other at parties or Chris would wake up curled up against Zach’s side after a crazy night of nonstop studying. It never really occurred to Chris how comfortable they were with each other.

Chris blinked and felt his warm cheeks.

***

 It took a few minutes of self-motivation the next morning before Chris could punch in Zach’s number on his phone.  He closed his eyes, waiting for the rings to end, hoping in the back of his mind that Zach wouldn’t pick up.

“Hello?” Zach’s voice drifted over the line.

_Fuck_.

 “Hey, man.” Chris sat up in his bed, a finger pressed to his temple. “How was last night?”

“Good...” Zach sounded groggy and there was an edge of annoyance in his words when he continued. “Dude, I just got up and the sound of the phone  _really_ isn’t helping my hangover... What are you calling about?”

Chris stalled, looking around the room. “Uh... I was wondering just if... you...” His blue eyes glanced at the window where the sky was still a slight shade of pink, to John’s N64 where Mario Party was all set up and then to his shelf of textbooks. “Did you get your new books for next semester?”

“...My books?”

“Yeah! I mean, the prices are fucking ridiculous! I bet I paid more than this semester! What about you?”

“I don’t know...” Zach said and then chuckled. “Dude, Karl and John fucking burned their textbooks from their calculus class. Like, they were so drunk that they didn’t even think about how the class is still going on. They practically burned the place down.”

“Shit!” Chris laughed. “I should have been there last night!”

Zach made a hum in agreement.

There was a slight pause after Chris finished laughing and then the silence began to stretch on. Chris felt panicked to find another topic of discussion and then wondered if Zach had fallen asleep. He focused in on the sound of Zach’s breathing. It had been at an average more awake pace but it quickly turned into a sleepy, relaxed rhythm. The phone was also sort of rubbing against Zach’s stubble and there was a slight scraping sound. Chris was getting lulled by the intake of breath and the soft exhale. He imagined Zach’s chest slowly rising and falling and tried to picture what Zach was wearing so he could imagine what Zach’s chest looked like. Was he in pyjamas? Or had Zach been so tired that he had fallen asleep in his outfit from last night? So his clothes were all dishevelled... Or was he on his way to putting pyjamas on and fallen asleep completely--

“Chris?” Zach’s voice snapped Chris out of wherever his fantasy had been going—probably to where no heterosexual man’s mind should ever venture.

“Hrrm? Yes?” Chris said a little too loudly. He rubbed a hand over his face, feeling fresh stubble on his own chin and the lingering warmth from sleep on his cheeks.

“Why did you phone actually?”

Chris paused to lick his lips. “I was seriously just wondering about the books but, uh, yeah, thanks I’ll make sure to call up Karl for full details on last night. That is if he can remember anything... Talk to you later?”

“Yeah,” Zach sounded eager to end the call. “Yeah preferably sometime after nine at least, okay buddy?”

“What? What time is it..?” Chris looked at his clock to see the numbers 7:02 shining brightly.”Oh shit.... Listen, I’m sorry! I’ll—“

“Go back to sleep, dear.”

Chris silenced at the name before understanding that it was a little joke. “Fine, honey,” he smiled a little and hung up. Talking with Zach made him feel better and he found himself becoming tired after worrying all night. Slipping under the covers he tried to ignore the fact that he still hadn’t asked Zach what he had meant to. However when he curled up tight he was alarmed to find an excited morning wood digging into his stomach.

That woke him up.

***

Chris spent the day working on his readings in order to take his mind off of Zach and it worked for the most part. John came back to the room at noon which distracted him from his thoughts for a good hour. John was complaining about having to buy another calculus book and then broke into a rant about how everything was so expensive on campus. Chris was able to focus his whole afternoon on schoolwork until later in the day when the sun was setting and he’d had enough of reading and surfing thedailywhat, which John had shown him during their first week together. Defeated, Chris picked up the phone.

“It’s me again...”

“Hmm, six at night. During dinner but that’s better than being woken at seven, I guess.” Zach joked.

“Hahaha, guilt is always funny,” Chris rolled his eyes. “Sorry about that...”

“Are you phoning now so you can finally say what you meant to? Or are you phoning to say you have decided to have a book burning with Karl and John tonight?”

“Zach...”

“Am I invited?”

“Okay, okay I’m sorry about waking you up at seven!”

“And you won’t do it ever again.”

“No, man!”

“ _Never_.”

“Never ever. Do I have to pinky swear too?”

“No, that would be too childish even for us...” Zach paused and Chris realised he should probably say something but he bit the inside of his cheek and began to focus back on Zach’s breathing. He was probably wearing clothes now but maybe— “Chris? What are you phoning about?”

“Uh, I don’t remember? I’m sure it wasn’t that important.”

“Dammit, Chris. If you don’t spit it out I’m going to—“

“Are you gay?”

There was dead air for a minute and Chris was about to apologise profusely until he heard Zach answer quietly, “Yes,” and he felt his heart practically stop in his chest.

“...What?” He swallowed.

Zach could be heard shuffling around for a moment before he finally said, “Dude, that’s not a problem, is it?”

“No, no,” Chris said realizing that maybe he had responded a little too fast.

“To be honest I thought you already knew...”

“Well, I mean, I didn’t want to stereotype....”

“It’s not stereotyping when it’s obvious.”

Chris licked his top lip and blinked a few times, suddenly feeling frustrated. “...I don’t think it was  _obvious_.”

“Really? You didn’t think it was weird that all Zoe and I talked about were guys?”

Zoe was Zach’s friend from another college who visited him every once and again. It was true that sometimes their topics were... more feminine. “I thought you were just being a good friend... You know, since you’re... a good friend...?” It sounded lame even to him.

“I don’t think I would be so generous as to discuss a man’s ass just because Zoe wanted to, Chris.”

Chris felt a prickle of annoyance run through him. “Yeah, well, maybe you should have just told me.”

“And have had you freak out in front of everyone?” Zach countered, his voice rising in volume.

“Dude, I am  _not_  freaking out!”

There was a pause.

“You’re freaking out.”

“Zach!” Chris shouted. “I’m not a homophobe. I just... I gotta go, okay, man?”

“Yeah right,” Zach sounded annoyed and Chris could also sense a little hurt.

“I’ll talk to you later though.”

“Sure.”

Chris was about to say good bye before he realized Zach had already hung up.

***

“Zach, can we talk?” Chris asked immediately when the door opened to Zach’s dorm opened. Zach stood with an eyebrow raised, appraising Chris’s look. Chris knew he was a mess; his belt had missed a loop; his hair was a rat’s nest and his eyes were tired.

“When was the last time you got some sleep?”

“Let me in and I’ll tell you.”

Zach released a huff of breath and opened the door wider for Chris to walk inside.

“Listen,” Chris said as he stood in the centre of Zach’s room. He was thankful to find Zach’s roommate was currently elsewhere and that Zach didn’t look  _too_  angry. “I’m sorry about the phone calls.”

Zach chewed his lip for a second before murmuring, “The phone calls aren’t what I want you to apologize for.”

Chris suppressed the need to start a fight and looked at him apologetically. “I’m sorry I kind of freaked out when you said you were gay.”

Zach sat at his desk and crossed one of his legs underneath himself, a sign he was beginning to feel comfortable. “ _Kind of_? It looks like you haven’t slept in years. That’s not ‘kind of’ a freak out.”

“I’ve been mulling things over...,” Chris allowed the sentence to drift but he couldn’t miss Zach’s expectant look as he sat on a chair facing Chris. He decided to not mention the woody he had had to deal with yesterday morning or the fantasy he’d had in the shower later on that night. “Let’s just leave it there.”

“Fine.”

Both of them sat there a little awkwardly. Or maybe Chris just thought it was awkward. Zach had crossed both his legs, which was a sign he was comfortable, and was playing with a thread that was loose on his denim shorts. His legs, thick with hair, were lean and slightly muscled unlike Chris’s which were more like pale chicken’s legs. “Do you want a beer or anything?” Chris was snapped out of watching Zach maybe a little too intently and looked to Zach’s eyes.

“Sure, yeah,” Chris turned his head away and nervously licked along his bottom lip. Zach stood up, long legs unfolding from underneath him, and headed to the fridge.

Zach placed the beer down and Chris moved to sit at the desk. They sat there in silence while Chris tore the label from his bottle and, usually, the English student inside of him would narrate the way the paper tore under his fingers and how he could see the liquid inside tremble with every movement he made. But right then he was focusing on not focusing on Zach. He watched the way Zach absentmindedly pressed the bottle of beer to his mouth and let it linger there as his eyes looked a little far off. Chris couldn’t help but notice how gorgeous Zach was.

Not in a “cute” kind of way like how Chris was often described by drunken girls.

But  _gorgeous_. Like an old movie star from one of the black and white films they watch in film class. Or like a dancer from  _Hello Dolly_  with the long legs and the gracious manners. Even the way his hair was long and pushed back seemed classic instead of just trying-too-hard like when Chris had given it a go. He looked like a gentleman. Chris wondered if Zach’s ears caught the dreamy sigh he couldn’t hold back.

He cleared his throat and decided to act casual.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Chris felt his cheeks burn and he regretted asking the question immediately. What a stupid thing to say!

Zach’s lip quirked and he placed his beer on the desk. “Oh my God are we actually going to gab like girls at a slumber party?”

Chris kicked Zach’s leg with his socked foot and that only made Zach laugh. “I am trying to be casual, dammit!” Chris couldn’t help but laugh as well, even if his face felt like it might explode. “Do you?”

Zach relaxed and then gave in. “No, I don’t. I haven’t had one for... awhile. Not a serious relationship at least.”

“Do you have anyone in mind for a serious relationship?”

“Okay, now you sound like my mother,” Zach placed his chin in his hands and put on an exasperated expression. “No one in particular.”

Chris nodded and bit the inside of his cheek as he thought of the little slip of paper he had to get his free coffee. “Did you ever like anyone this year? Like, that I would know?”

Zach considered it a moment before shrugging. “I don’t know, maybe a guy at a party or something... No one really.”

“Yeah?” Chris looked down at his drink. “No one...? In our group of friends even?”

“Are you asking if I ever like  _liked_  you, Chris?”

Chris wanted to die in that moment but managed to nod, turning his eyes to the ground as he awaited the answer.

“So what if I did? There’s sometimes a little sexual tension between friends, why does it matter?”

Chris thought of the sleepless nights and he peeked up. “It matters.”

“Fine... I might have been infatuated with you a little at the beginning of the year,” Zach kept eye contact with Chris and his jaw was set forward. “You’re not going to freak out are you?”

Chris was surprised but he managed to shake his head.

“Good.”

“So why did you stop liking me?”

“Once you started to wear white t-shirts  _all the time_ , I’d say,” Zach teased. Chris scoffed back, happy that Zach was back to insulting him instead of fighting him, and took a sip of beer, which was now fairly warm. Zach bit his bottom lip and pushed his hair back into place. “No... I just figured... I’ve been hurt by straight guys a lot, Chris.”

“I wouldn’t have hurt you, Zach.”

“No, you would have given me the ‘I don’t swing that way’ talk and then we would be awkward for the whole year before we eventually drifted apart during the summer,” Zach’s voice came out hard. He had said this a lot.

Chris’s blue eyes were a mix of hurt and sympathy. “I’m sorry,” he said and exhaled raggedly though his nose. “I wouldn’t have left you though.”

Zach’s eyebrows threatened to knit together but he bit back whatever argument he was going to put out and instead took a drink. “Doesn’t matter. It didn’t happen.”

“Yeah,” Chris felt a weird sadness at the fact but tried to push it out of his mind.

“So I’ve got to practise for that play I told you about a while ago, auditions are tomorrow,” Zach switched subjects.

Chris felt a pang in his chest at the news. It had been a few days since Chris had held a normal conversation with his friend and he felt bad he hadn’t been there to help him practise. Zach looked a little stressed now that Chris really looked at him.

“I booked a room in the library. Do you want to run lines with me?”

“Yeah, sure,” Chris smiled easily and thought perhaps everything would be alright.

***

Drops of water fell onto the library window, following each other, running into one another. Chris absently followed a trail of the rain with his pinkie finger as he rested his chin on the windowsill. He gave a wide yawn and exhaled loudly, his breath fogging up the glass. It was past midnight and Zach was still reading his lines. Even Chris had the part memorized now and he turned his head to see Zach repeating the words over and over, trying again and again to get the right emotion down.

The campus coffee shop had closed a few hours ago and empty paper cups were strewn all over the table. Chris was starting to feel drained from the lack of caffeine and wondered if he could go to his room soon to sleep. He also wondered if he should invest in a thermos...

“Just one more sonnet, I swear,” Zach said and Chris hadn’t even noticed that he had closed his eyes. The couches in the study rooms were definitely not built for sleeping on, but right then they felt perfectly fine.

Chris nodded and sank into the couch as Zach began to repeat his lines again.

He turned his head slightly and looked back out the window. The soft sound of water falling outside had never sounded so soothing and Zach’s voice, loud but low, sounded like purring to him. He followed the rain that blurred the world outside and tried to focus on Zach’s reflection in the glass. His eyes drooped and he was stuck on trying to find a word other than ‘kaleidoscope’ to describe the moving and shifting colours of the street below.

***

His eyes opened, squinting against the fluorescent lights.  _Did I fall asleep?_  Chris wondered as his tongue clicked in his mouth and he began to sit up.

Only to find his legs felt heavy.

Chris looked down, alarm turning into surprise. Zach was curled on the couch, snuggling in close with his head placed on Chris’s lap. Well, more on his thighs but that didn’t stop Chris’s hormones from getting the wrong idea.

Chris’s cheeks turned red and his whole body tensed as Zach rubbed his face against his leg. Chris leaned back into the couch, not knowing how to deal with this situation and then again not  _hating_  it. It was awkward but kind of peaceful as well. Also his eyes still felt heavy and fuck if Zach wasn’t the warmest blanket he’d ever had.

Zach’s soft breath was hypnotic too, practically luring him back to sleep. It wasn’t like he could move either without waking up Zach. After all, the guy had been practising for hours and deserved his rest. Chris, half asleep, fell back into the couch and twirled his fingers through Zach’s long hair. Zach gave a sleepy snort and Chris rested his hand on Zach’s head, fingers kneading his scalp in a sleepy haze.

***

In the morning Zach left for his audition and they parted for the first time in hours. Neither of them mentioned that they had woken up practically curled in each others’ arms but now as Chris sat against his bed, eyes shut tight, he wondered what the night meant for him. He hadn’t just dreamed about Zach sleeping in his lap or the cuddling. Shit, why hadn’t he pushed him away? Why didn’t he laugh and say, “That’s so gay” like any other guy would? Chris sighed and vaguely wondered how the audition was going. He felt so confused by his actions but also wondered why he wasn’t bothered about it? He was bothered that he wasn’t bothered. Chris shook his head and tried to create a clear train of thought.

“Hey, Pine!” John greeted him with a smile as he came bounding through the door.

“Hey, Cho.” Chris tried to match John’s upbeat mood but his voice came out a little strained.

“Shit, man,” John replied. “You sound like hell.”

“Shut up.” Chris laughed a tiny bit. He liked John. Things were easy with John. “So how was the day? I hope you bought food because I looked in the fridge and we are not having pop tarts and chocolate milk for dinner.”

John made a face. “I did buy toilet paper...?”

Chris chuckled and shrugged. “We’ll make do.”

John sat in the chair at his desk. “So where were you last night? Out with someone...?”

“No,” Chris said it too fast and took a deep breath. “I mean, yeah, I was but not...” he took another deep breath and started again. “I was running lines with Zach in the library. We ended up staying the night.”

“Hmm, cool,” John said casually, but he kept his eyes on Chris.

Chris glanced around the room before closing his eyes tight and saying, “Have.... Have you ever been attracted to guys....?”

There was a pause.

“Well we all have man crushes on Karl—”

“No, not like that.” Chris felt a little silly. “Like....  _really_ attracted.”

“Like sexually?”

“Yeah,” Chris agreed a little hesitantly. “But... a little more.”

“Like love?”

Now Chris felt really stupid.

“Shit, John.”

John’s voice was serious as he spoke then. “Dude, what brought this on? Do you ‘love’ someone?”

Chris felt love was too strong a weird and yet somehow it didn’t frighten him like when he had been in relationships before and the topic of love had come about. “I... there’s a  _guy_.”

“Do I know him?”

“You do.”

“Zach?”

“...Maybe. How did you know it was him?”

“Well we all see the looks you two give each other.” John laughed a little. Chris couldn’t believe everyone had noticed Zach’s crush except himself. “So what’s the big deal? Keep your relationship a secret from some of the homophobes and you’ll be fine.”

“That’s not the problem...,” Chris reminded him. “I’m not sure I like him.”

“Because he’s a guy?”

“Well, yeah.”

John seemed to be considering it. “I can’t really give advice on this but... have you ever been attracted to guys before?”

Chris gave a noncommittal head movement. “Fuck, man. I don’t know... I never thought about it I guess...?”

“Yeah but when you compare guys to girls.....?” John continued.

“Fuck, man! I don’t know!” Chris gave an exasperated sigh. “I am allowed to like both.”

“Sure,” John agreed. He crossed his arms. “Do you like both?”

Chris licked his mouth and knitted his eyebrows together. “I don’t know. I’m sorry I brought it up. This has gotta be awkward, I know—”

“No way,” John looked almost hurt. He also looked completely serious which was a change from his usual playfulness. “I’m not, like, homophobic, Chris. I dunno as an Asian American I just can relate to other minorities.” He shrugged. “So if you need someone to talk to... I’m here.”

“Thanks, man.” Chris couldn’t help but give a warm smile.

There was a pause as they looked at each other.

“Should we hug?” John tilted his head forward and extended his arms. “I think we should hug. This feels like a hugging moment.”

Chris laughed as he was tackled by John.

***

“This isn’t the movie theatre...”

“Nope.” John clasped a hand on Karl’s shoulder. John had led them to a plaza close to campus which Karl had never really planned on venturing to during his years at college—well not after dark at least. It was a seedy looking place with a beer store, a convenient store, a sex shop and another vacant store which had been boarded up. Judging by John’s stance in front of the door to the sex shop, it became obvious where he was planning on going. “Sorry but the movies will have to wait. Right now it’s super secret sexy mission time, my friend.”

“John, if this is about that thing I said when I was drunk last time—”

“Nope!” John dismissed that quickly. “And I told you never to speak of it.”

“Shouldn’t, I don’t know, you be here with a girl or something then...?” Karl raised an eyebrow.

“This trip isn’t for me,” John smiled. “I just need someone to test the product on before I buy it.”

Karl began to turn around.

“Wow! Hey!” John shouted and pulled Karl by the collar of his sweater vest. “I’m joking!”

“Alright, but you owe me a kidney or something for this, I swear!”

“Yup, when you’re on your death bed, you give me a ring,” John opened the door adorned with bright pink Christmas lights and a black feather boa to cover the glass. He spread his arm out for Karl to enter and, more than a little reluctantly, Karl moved inside.

“What are we looking for anyways?” Karl asked as his eyes trailed over a magazine rack. The whole shop was ridiculously pink and neon and Karl’s face got a little heated when he saw a giant inflatable cock hanging from the ceiling.

“I’m helping out a friend,” John replied simply.

“You know most people just give advice.”

John shrugged and headed over to a section of the store where there was a variety of vibrators on the wall, all different colours and sizes.

“Wait!” Karl glanced around the store to make sure no one was seeing them looking at the Thrust-o-matic 5000. “John, why am _I_  here?”

“Because,” John said as he picked up a rubber dildo and wagged it like a finger at Karl, “can you imagine how sad it would look if I bought one of these alone? Making a man buy a vibrator by himself, Karl? That’s cruel.”

“Right, right sure whatever. Couldn’t you have brought  _anyone_  other than me though...?” he mumbled.

“Do you need any help?” Karl practically jumped when a short man appeared behind them. Once the feeling of surprise was gone it was replaced with disappointment that the man wasn’t a blonde dominatrix.

“Oh, no, we’re just—”

“Yes,” John said and clapped a hand on Karl’s shoulder. “My partner and I are looking for a sex toy.”

Karl’s cheeks burned but when the man looked at Karl, almost with a look of worry like he thought perhaps the young man was being forced into this (which he was) Karl tried to put on his best acting chops. “Yeah,” he said and took John’s hand. “We’re just browsing though—”

“My partner is new to all of this; do you have anything for beginners?”

Karl threw John a look and John returned it with a pinch to his ass and a wink. “Don’t wanna hurt his precious virgin ass too much.”

***

Chris was more than a little surprised when he opened the door to find John standing with a brightly wrapped box in his hands. “Hey, John... Why didn’t you just use your key card to get in?” Chris then looked at the box with a critical eye. “What is this...?”

John shrugged nonchalantly. “I thought I would try and help out. Since I wasn’t very good at the whole advice thing I thought I would try in another way.”

“That’s really nice of you... I think.” Chris took the present and couldn’t help but give it a little shake. “Do you want to come in and I’ll open it--?”

“Nope!” John had a tiny smile. “I’ve gotta run! I’m meeting someone at the library for a report due in an hour. Gotta rush!”

Chris couldn’t remember John mentioning any report but he didn’t question it. “Alright... Later then.”

John nodded and practically skipped away.

***

Chris had no idea what to do with this _thing_. He swallowed as he looked up and down at the long, hard object and began to regret his decision about telling John about his maybe-not-so-straight sexuality. Just asking for advice from anyone was embarrassing enough but now he was actually faced with this  _thing_  and he felt regret pool in his belly.

When he had opened the box he found a paper bag and inside that was a couple of peep magazines, although instead of busty blondes there were a lot of dudes with obscenely large cocks, and then below that was the vibrator wrapped in a pink bow. As well as a complimentary tube of lube.

The dildo was obviously expensive although Chris had no idea really why people would pay so much for something that could be done using their own fingers. Although he couldn’t really judge anyone considering the position he was in.

Chris continued to inspect the new toy, a scowl on his face. The dildo’s bottom could be twisted which would make the whole thing vibrate as well as warm up. The head of it was ridged and it was obscenely big. The worst part of it though was its colour—hot pink. Chris narrowed his eyes at it and waited for it to look sexy. It didn’t. The idea of how to use it was simple but just looking at it made him completely flaccid.

He cleared his throat and took his pants and underwear off. Shit, he was  _not_ in the mood. But John had obviously spared no expense and he was all alone...

With a twist of his thumb, the dildo sprung to life. It vibrated menacingly in his hand and it was a lot more powerful than Chris had expected. “No,” he said to it. “No fucking way.”

With another twist of his thumb, the soft hum of the dildo went silent and he placed it on the side table beside the lube... and the picture of Zach. Chris flushed at the sight of Zach’s dark eyes looking up at him and the way his eyebrow was lifted a tad and—

Chris looked down to see his dick looking a bit excited like it had when he had been with Zach at the library. Maybe he could try this.... He threw a look to the evil pink dildo and said, “Or maybe I’ll just jerk myself off in front of you.”

But when he held the picture as he sat on his bed, his red face was definitely not because he was excited. He slid further down on the bed and looked closer at the picture. Never had Chris even considered a man wearing a wife beater hot but as he looked at Zach, dark, coarse chest hair escaping above the neck line of the shirt and his shoulders looking so incredibly soft, did he not only find it attractive but so fucking sexy. By the time he had started looking at Zach’s crotch, Chris was already stroking himself. And, before Chris lost all thought, he reached over and grabbed the lube.

With a large dollop of the stuff on his fingers, he hesitantly went for his ass. It didn’t really feel great. The lube was cold and he didn’t want to touch his ass so much as use his hands to stroke his dick. Regardless he grabbed the dildo and pushed it slowly inside. It didn’t exactly just slide in and Chris found himself focusing on getting it inside instead of staying stiff. When it finally got in, Chris stilled and tried to wait until the ache went away.

Chris relaxed around the dildo as long as he could. Shit! He swore as his ass started to reject it and he squeezed tightly. Chris’s eyes watered as he moved it around, trying to find a pleasure spot. He began to whimper when he couldn’t find it and all of his efforts were just resulting in a sore ass. He was whining when he did find it, resulting in a gasp and a ridiculously high pitched moan. He kept his hand in position and moved his hips, hitting the spot until his cock began to throb. In the corner of his eye he could spy Zach’s dark eyes looking at him from the picture.

Chris moved his face to bite at his pillow and his eyes were drunk with pleasure. Damn, Zach was pretty. Chris’s hips moved involuntarily as he imagined what Zach would do if he could see him right now and his mind easily wandered to the dildo not being a big pink thing but Zach’s warm, hard cock. He imagined Zach on top of him, breathing filthy words into his ear while pushing into him further. Maybe Zach would tell him he was a pervert for looking at a picture of him while jerking off or maybe he would pet and soothe him. Chris whimpered when he imagined Zach’s hands running down Chris’s trembling arms. His whole body shook before Chris rubbed the dildo against his prostate just right and his whole body tensed. “Zach...” he grunted into the bed as he came with a gasp.

Chris panted and there was a line of drool from his mouth to the chewed up pillow. He began to pull out the dildo only for his ass to clench around it and tears sprang to his eyes. Shit, that hurt! He bit his lip and gently tugged it out, turning it off with a twist of his wrist.

Once it was gone he rolled onto his back and his eyes stared up at the ceiling. “Fuck,” Chris pushed the heels of his hand into his eyes as what had just happened hit him. So he liked it in the ass. And he _really_  liked when it was Zach giving it to him.

Shit.

***

Chris felt tense as he sat on the couch in Zach’s dorm common room. He tried to look at his friend without blushing but it was difficult when all he could think about was what he had been doing with John’s present a night ago. He was continuously crossing his legs and readjusting himself, hoping Zach was so focused on the movie they were watching that he wouldn’t notice.

They were watching an old Hitchcock film which was assigned as “mandatory viewing” that week for film class. What was supposed to happen was all the students would gather in the lecture hall for a viewing party but often enough Zach would own the film or find it on sale at the movie store in the city. So Chris would stay at Zach’s residence for dinner (usually the menu consisted of KD or Chef Boyardee straight out of the pot) until the movie was finished. Although there were some nights that had gone late and Chris would stay the night, wrapped in blankets that smelled like Captain Black’s—Zach’s favourite brand of cigarettes—as they slept on the couch in the common room.

Chris really loved classic films but compared to Zach sitting right beside him it wasn’t doing a whole lot to hold his attention. The people on screen were talking about something, which was obviously supposed to be interesting, while at a train station. Or was it an airport? He looked at the TV trying to remember but the location changed to a scene in a hotel room.

“What the fuck is happening in this movie?” Chris asked. He was legitimately curious but also thought that maybe starting a conversation would distract him from the tightness of his pants.

“This girl is helping out the bad guys but the main guy doesn’t know that. But I think he just caught on...” Zach tried to analyze the movie as the man pretended to take a shower. “Yeah I think he knows now.”

“Oh...” Chris feigned interest but really he was starting to wonder just how long this movie was. He kept glancing at Zach, relaxed and warm-looking (was that possible? For a person to  _look_  warm?) which was a lot more intriguing than the man in the film who was now at an art auction. Chris looked discreetly back at Zach who sat with his eyes slightly closed and sinking into the couch. Chris wanted to lean against him maybe just a little. Zach’s legs were drawn up under him and his feet, in their black socks, were close to touching Chris’s thigh. His casual v-neck shirt was showcasing a lot of chest hair and it was also riding up just a little so that Chris could spot the pale skin of Zach’s hip.

A laugh from Zach disrupted Chris’s observation. Zach glanced over when Chris didn't laugh as well.“Dude,” Zach said, smiling at Chris. “Are you even watching?”

“No, I think I’ll have to get this on Netflix before the exam...” Chris looked at the TV to yet another change of scene. This time the man was in a cop car. “I have no idea what’s happening.”

 “Are you tired? I could walk you home if you want.”

Chris didn’t want to return home though; it had been awhile since they had just hung out and he shook his head.

“Nah, I just can’t focus.” Chris thought about maybe suggesting they watch something else that he had seen so that he could keep up  _and_  keep an eye on Zach.

Zach narrowed his eyebrows. “You’re still freaking out, aren’t you?”

“I’m not freaking out!” Chris’s voice squeaked at the end.

Zach appeared to accept Chris’s answer this time and sighed out, “Okay. Well, what time’s your first class tomorrow?”

“First class is at ten and then I’m free until four,” He scooted over a little closer to Zach and he could  _feel_  the heat from Zach’s body emanating from just a few inches away. “How about you?”

“Free day,” Zach smiled, his eyes gleaming as Chris looked at him with jealousy.

_Damn, his eyes are nice,_  Chris thought as he licked at his bottom lip. They were dark but when he looked close enough he could spot a warm brown colour. It was almost like liquid gold and Chris could just make out the little line on Zach’s eye from the contact lens. Chris moved his own eyes downward to Zach’s nose. It was fairly big but not in a comedic kind of way. It suited his face and Chris thought of maybe nipping at it, teeth biting as Zach playfully pushed him away. Zach’s mouth was perfect though. It was always opened just a little to reveal a glimmer of white teeth surrounded by bright pink, slightly chapped lips. Chris licked at his own mouth and leaned forward to place a kiss on Zach’s lips.

And received a slap across the cheek.

“Ow!” Chris exclaimed.

Zach looked about ready to punch Chris in the face. “What the  _fuck_ , Chris!”

Chris backed away at Zach’s confused expression. “Shit,” Chris stood up. “I’m sorry... Maybe I should go—”

Zach grabbed his arm roughly. “No! You are going to tell me what the fuck is going on  _right now_!”

“Nothing! Nothing! I didn’t mean to do what I did!”

“Fucking coward!” Zach shouted. “Are you just screwing with me?”

“No!” Chris countered. And, shit, he really wished he wasn’t here. “I was just...”

“You better have a good fucking excuse.”

Chris bared his teeth like a wild animal might do when they were being attacked. He didn’t need an excuse! He was just interested and a little confused. And now his head was spinning as he tried to figure out what to say. Yeah, he wanted Zach but not when he was being a dick. “Fuck you!” Chris snarled and turned on his heel, running for the door.

***

Chris sat at his laptop, typing up a paper. He hadn’t eaten since last night and couldn’t bring himself to actually stand up and make anything remotely edible. He was depressed and really, really befuddled about everything that was happening. His body felt heavy, like it was a dead thing that was just attached to him. When he had woken up that morning and remembered what had happened the night before, he had been physically ill, puking in the trash can by his bed. Just thinking about how Zach had slapped him and the look he had given him made him feel sick. When he was done vomiting, he was left feeling confused and lonely. He’d never really been “in love” before but he wondered if this was what it felt like? He was still waiting for all the warm fuzzy feelings and the birds singing as he walked down the street. Maybe those came later.

Chris allowed his forehead to droop onto his keyboard and felt the way his sweaty skin stuck to the keys. It was weird the things he focused on when he was trying to not think about everything else. He’d spent at least a good half hour looking at his hands instead of letting his mind drift to thoughts of Zach.

He turned his head towards his bed beside the desk and heaved a sigh. Seeing John’s present from the sex store on his bedside table made him feel even more pathetic and there was a bit of self-loathing seeping in now as well.

Chris thought of texting John but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He didn’t want to talk about what had happened and what an idiot he was and how John would try and comfort him but Chris knew all the pep talks in the world couldn’t help him. Usually in situations like this where he didn’t want cheering up but just a person to share with, he would call Zach.

Chris felt an uncomfortable chill in his gut when he even thought the name.

He tilted his head a little to look out the window above his bed. It was a beautiful sunny November day and somehow that only made him more upset. The whole world was happy and cheerful or whatever the fuck else and there he was wallowing inside. He didn’t want to sit and be consumed by all of this frustration but he didn’t want to do anything else. He gave another heavy sigh and stood up with leaden limbs f

He was going back to bed.

***

After a week without speaking to Zach, Chris found he was pretty good at holding a grudge. Although it did help that he was past the anger stage and mainly just embarrassed about the whole situation now. So it was more avoidance than an actual grudge. Despite the lack of social interaction, Chris hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Zach and the way he had looked so pissed on the night of the kiss. He still hadn't told tell John what had happened but it was obvious that he suspected something was going on.

John dragged him to a party after he’d grown tired of seeing Chris holed up in their room all the time. It was a nice gesture but Chris was really not feeling the party atmosphere. Everyone was smiling and cozying up with a partner as he stood against the wall, alone. Chris wished he could have fun just enjoying the atmosphere but he felt so out of place. After twenty minutes had passed, Chris sighed and thought about heading back to his room. Only to be stopped by a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey,” the guy said as he slithered up next to Chris, the smell of alcohol heavy on his breath.

“Hi..,” Chris shuffled over a little further away.

“You’re from my American lit class,” he slurred and knocked into Chris.

“Oh yeah...” Chris couldn’t remember ever seeing him but nodded his head in agreement. “Did you finish that paper that’s due this week?”

The guy—who Chris was now calling “American Lit” based off his limited knowledge—towered over Chris and gave a grumble which Chris assumed was an agreement? It was a little difficult to tell. American Lit leaned closer with hooded eyes. “Those jeans look good on you.”

Chris’s eyebrows rose to his hairline.  _Is he hitting on me?_  Chris wondered. “Th-thanks,” he said, stumbling over his words.

American Lit gave him a hungry look and Chris licked at his mouth. It was more of a nervous thing but it obviously grabbed the guy’s attention. American Lit was _definitely_ hitting on him.

“Do you wanna go somewhere?” American Lit flirted. “My room’s across the hall...”

“Uh,” Chris felt his heart beating fast but there was also a little excitement rising in his chest. It had been awhile since he’d gotten any action and the guy was alright-looking. The image of Zach looking angry and smacking him away made his expression fall for just a second. Well at least there was  _someone_  out there who wanted him. Chris had a moment of hesitation before he nodded, following American Lit out of the party.

***

The music could easily be heard booming from the room over. The dorm was messy, which Chris had sort of expected, and it was decorated with pictures from parties, of busty girls and there was a large poster of an incredibly muscled man behind the door. And, besides the stale smell of beer and sugary candy, it wasn’t an overly bad place to fool around with a guy, Chris thought.

Chris was a little unsure what to do. With girls it was kind of different, not that he’d been with a lot of girls. There had been really only that one time at Spring Formal where his date had jacked him off in the limo but, still, it was something. He looked to the guy to see if he was going to take the lead or if there would be foreplay or something. Chris released a nervous breath and the guy moved to touch at Chris’s chest with fumbling fingers.

He couldn’t stop thinking about how huge the hands were that touched his body. He squirmed a little at how completely unfeminine they were and how insistent and almost rough they felt. Chris also was strangely obsessed with how tall the guy was. Usually girls were these tiny little things whereas this guys was burly and had the shoulders of a football player. Chris thought of Zach’s lean body and how he wanted so badly to touch him and feel the coarse chest hair between his fingers.

The guy had green eyes, Chris noted, and they somehow seemed cold and almost frightening compared to Zach’s warm brown ones. American Lit moved in closer and Chris closed his own eyes, trying to focus on the scratchy stubble as the guy began to mouth against his neck. Chris ran his fingers over the scruff, tracing the jaw line which wasn’t nearly as strong as Zach’s and there was a scar on his chin which distracted Chris from his fantasy. And American Lit kind of reeked of beer which overwhelmed his senses.

Chris gave a squeak as he was pushed on to the bed, American Lit dropping himself on top of him. Chris’s nostrils were filled with the smell of booze now and he had to pull away to breathe in the stinky smell of unwashed bed sheets. He struggled to move and the guy was clawing at his chest as he grinded into Chris’s thigh. American Lit was strong, pinning him down under his weight and Chris began to panic a little. Instinct was taking over as he began to desperately move himself on top instead of being forced to be on the bottom.

When American Lit held Chris down by his wrists he felt restless and the panic turned into fear. “Hey!” Chris’s voice came out as a tiny quiver. “Let go, man!”

American Lit smashed his mouth against Chris’s, tongue pushing down his throat, and Chris began to flail underneath him, arms and legs moving in furious motions. When he felt American Lit press the bulge of his pants against Chris’s crotch and a hand tugging insistently at his zipper, he began to kick and punch. American Lit was garbling out dirty talk in his ear and Chris pushed his face away. “Fuck, man!” Chris swore and kicked the guy right in the groin.

American Lit grabbed hold of himself and rolled onto his back. Chris took the opportunity to jump to his feet, heart thundering in his ears, and ran towards the door. He wrestled with the door handle, trying to unlock it with shaking fingers, and sprinted out when it finally opened.

“Oof!” Chris slammed into something solid and began to pound his fists against whatever it was that was blocking his way.

“Chris?” Chris blinked and looked up to find Zach looking confused. “Are you okay?”

Chris felt like sinking into Zach’s arms and running away all at the same time. When he heard the sound of the door opening behind him, he jumped and tried to flee.

“Stop fucking running!” Zach grabbed onto Chris’s arm and pulled him back. Chris expected to see Zach looking angry but he just looked tired, just like Chris.

He looked worn out.

The guy in the dorm room was yelling out insults from his doorway.  Zach turned to face him and then looked back down at Chris. The need to run was still overpowering and Chris scurried a little closer to the stairs, Zach’s hand still holding his arm. He didn’t want this right now.

Zach glanced at the guy again and then gently pulled Chris by the arm, “C’mon,” he sighed.

Chris didn’t run away. He followed Zach back to the dorm in a fuzzy haze, trying to keep up and avoiding Zach’s touch. He couldn’t stop shaking and flinching from everything. When they arrived at Zach’s room Chris felt relieved to find Zach’s roommate was out somewhere.

Chris glanced about the place as Zach closed the door behind them and turned on the lamp on his desk. It had been awhile since Chris had been in Zach’s room. In fact the last time might have been when Chris had confronted Zach and apologized about not “freaking out”. It was quiet now, peaceful even without all the tension. Chris looked over at the roommate’s side which was covered in empty take out boxes and beer bottles which were on display as if they were trophies. Zach’s side was much neater. There were books and journals on the bookshelf and there were tiny statues of dogs for bookends. Chris liked how quaint and charming the set up was.

“C’mon.” Zach ushered Chris gently over sit on the bed. Chris immediately tensed but then relaxed when he saw Zach sit on the chair at his desk instead of beside him on the bed. There was a pause and Chris turned his attention to his feet instead of looking at Zach. Chris’s mind returned to what had just happened and he began to tremble a little. He could still feel hands holding him down, and he closed his eyes tight, willing the images away.

“You okay..?” Zach asked and Chris opened his eyes to look at him. Zach wasn’t hiding the worry from his face and Chris just shrugged in response.

He wasn’t okay. He was confused and hurt and he just wanted to curl up in a ball somewhere and never have to come into contact with another human being ever again _. Fuck_   _this whole year was a big fuck up_ , Chris thought bitterly. All of the drama that had happened with Zach and now with the guy at the party, Chris felt as if the whole world was against him. Like he wasn’t allowed to be happy or just relax anymore. He felt a lump in his throat as he remembered Zach’s angry face and the guy’s hands on him not ten minutes ago.

Before Chris realized what was happening he felt a tear fall onto his arm. “Sh-shit...” He gulped back a sob and rubbed at his eyes with the back of his hands. “I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Zach said, moving to sit on the edge of his own bed.

Chris hiccoughed and he felt like such a kid right then, crying because someone had bullied him and because he wasn’t getting his way. Chris sucked in a breath and startled when he felt a weight on his foot. Zach was reaching a hand out; touching his toes in what Chris assumed was supposed to be a soothing gesture. The warmth reminded him of the time they had spent in the library, curled up together, and how safe he had felt then. And, like a snot-nosed kid wants his Mom when he’s scraped his knee, Chris reached his hands out, needy for Zach. Zach moved closer and wrapped Chris in a hug.

Again Chris felt overwhelmed with comfort and he nuzzled his face into Zach’s shoulder. Zach wasn’t like the guy from the party: he was gentle and his smell didn’t make him want to vomit. Warm tears were all over Zach’s clothes but he continued to hold Chris. There were a few more little, sad sniffles before they readjusted the way they were sitting so that Chris could lean back into Zach and Zach could lay his chin on Chris’s head. Exhaustion began to take over Chris and he was nearly asleep when he felt Zach twirling a bit of Chris’s hair between his fingers.

The sound of drunken teens was muffled by the glass window but it didn’t bother Chris right then. The laughter and the music was blurred and distorted and Chris ignored it all as snuggled closer to Zach. Again there was that feeling of being anchored down just like he had felt during the first night at college with Zach by his side. The soft snore that fell from Zach broke through Chris’s thoughts and he was soon lulled to sleep

***

“Whoa!”

Chris was startled awake by the door being opened with a bang, the sounds of raucous laughter interrupting his peaceful slumber. A group of students were standing in the doorway with looks of surprise on their faces.  However just as fast as the door had opened it was closed again. Chris could make out the sounds of giggles and, “Dude, is your roommate  _gay_?” from a few of the people. Chris glanced over his shoulder to see Zach, still asleep, spooned up against Chris’s back.

Seeing Zach there all curled up and contented made his chest ache a little. He’d hurt Zach for a couple of months and he never wanted to do that to him again.  “You awake?” he murmured.

Zach gave a slight hum. “After that dick came in, yeah.” His brown eyes were sleepy and his hair was flopping all over the pillow. Chris laid his head back down, trying not to lean in too close but finding it difficult in the twin bed.

“I think that was the first time I’ve actually seen your roommate...,” Chris mused.

Zach itched his head, pushing more hair onto his face. “Yeah, he’s kind of known for making the walk of shame. He has a girlfriend on another floor and... well...”

“Right.” Chris nodded in understanding and gave a loud yawn.

“Thanks,” Zach whispered, “for not leaving.”

Chris opened his eyes and looked at Zach. Zach had the tiniest smile and Chris couldn’t believe the thought of leaving hadn’t even crossed his mind. He was so grateful and happy and Chris wanted to kiss him so badly. There was no way he could leave Zach and he wished he hadn’t run away all those times before. Chris’s eyes locked on Zach’s pink cheeks and his gorgeous lips. Zach’s teeth tugged at his bottom lip and Chris had to look away. He didn’t want to scare Zach and ruin everything all over again. “I’m a little impressed myself,” Chris admitted. “I think your morning breath paralyzed me.”

“You’re one to talk,” Zach joked and scrunched his nose up, receiving a punch from Chris. Zach just smiled and closed his eyes like he was about to drift back to sleep at any instant.

Chris hesitated for a moment before murmuring, “I have to thank you too for last night...”

Zach placed a hand on Chris’s shoulder and Chris swallowed. “Let’s not think about that, okay? Unless you want to talk about it—”

“No,” Chris interrupted. “I mean, yeah, not right now at least. Just... thanks.”

Zach nodded and Chris pressed closer to Zach, arms wrapping around his body. Chris didn’t feel frightened like he had the night before or jittery. He felt comfortable and safe and he cuddled in closer before falling to sleep, nuzzled against Zach’s chest.

***

The semester went by too fast.

Exams seemed to come up before Chris had even considered studying for them and soon he found himself holed up in his room surrounded by stacks of open books with Zach sitting close by, his own pile of readings circling him. When they weren’t studying, they were arranging plans for returning home for the holidays. Zach and Chris spent hours trying to figure out bus routes for Zach to take back to Pittsburgh that didn’t leave at 2AM. But the thing that Zach spent most his time on was practising for his play. The big performance was coming up just after exams finished and it was obviously taking a toll on Zach, who was normally the most zen person Chris knew and was now having headaches from all the stress. Chris kept offering to help in any way he could but Zach kept shaking his head and telling Chris to keep studying.

“You don’t have to attend the rehearsals, Chris,” Zach comforted him. “Just come to the actual performance, okay?”

Chris could do that.

The play was a day after Chris’s last exam and it was also his last night on campus before he went home for the winter break. He took his seat in the almost-empty theatre save for the few seats that were taken by parents, professors and a few students who appeared to actually be into drama. At least that’s what Chris assumed as they took the front row and each talked about the “best interpretation of The Scottish play” that they had ever seen. When the curtain was pulled back, everyone in the theatre quieted down and a few parents took out their camcorders.

Zach didn’t get one of the lead roles he had been hoping for but instead had gotten a fairly big part, at least for a first year, as Antonio. It was obvious he had a passion for what he was doing while a few of the other actors looked about ready to call it quits and head home for winter break right in the middle of a scene. Zach did lose focus for one minute as he stood, behind the kid playing Sebastian, and his eyes wandered to where Chris was. Chris couldn’t help but grin even though he wasn’t sure Zach could even see him but when Zach’s lip quirked for a moment, Chris was pretty sure he had.

When the play ended Chris clapped enthusiastically with everyone else and left when the curtain fell, waiting for Zach outside. He stuck his hands in his pocket, it was chilly that December evening and it even looked as if it may actually snow. Thankfully Zach came out of the theatre just as Chris’s teeth began to chatter.

“Hey,” Zach said humbly, not allowing his obvious happiness to light up his face.

Chris punched him in the arm though which made Zach grin. “Dude, you were awesome!”

“Thanks,” Zach said and Chris really wanted to hug him and tell him he did a spectacular job and allow Zach to tell him all about the experience while they curled up together.

Instead he shivered in the cold and said, “C’mon. I’ll buy you a cup of coffee.”

Zach laughed, “You get it for free.”

“Hush!” Chris joined in the laughter and resisted the urge to snuggle against Zach’s side in the cold. The campus coffee shop was pretty dead when they arrived there. Almost all the students had gone home for winter break except for one extremely disgruntled cashier who did not look amused at having to make a new pot of coffee half an hour before closing.

Zach chose a two person table and sipped at his coffee while he gave an in depth description of the play and all the drama behind the scenes while Chris listened and tried not to get excited about their legs touching under the table.

***

Chris returned back to the dorm room, face red from the cold, hands buried in his pockets and a stupid grin still plastered on his face when he thought about the way Zach’s shoulders had kept bumping into his when they had taken a walk after their coffee.

“Oh, man,” Chris stopped in the doorway when he sees John’s side of the room looking particularly clean and a suitcase in the centre of the room. “Are you going home tonight?”

“Yup,” John nodded from where he sat on his bed, texting on his phone. “I’m taking the bus tonight in order to miss the big rush tomorrow. How was Zach’s play?”

“He did great,” Chris couldn’t help a slight note of pride sliding into his voice.

John made a slight hum. “So how has everything gone with... things?”

Chris’s face turned red and he stammered, “Things... What things?”

“With Zach. I paid serious money for your new toy so I better get some dirt, Chris.”

Chris moved uncomfortably. “I made a move and he punched me in the face.”

“What?” John looked up from his phone with concern. “Tonight?”

“No! About a month or two ago...” Chris shrugged. “I haven’t tried anything since then.”

“Do you still ‘love’ him?”

Chris gave a face at the word. “I really like him, yeah.”

“And does he ‘really like’ you?”

Chris shrugged and looked at his feet, licking at his mouth. “I don’t know. He said he did once but I think I ruined it...” Chris sank down in his chair. “I don’t know...”

John paused a moment before saying. “Huh. Well I have to go catch my bus. See you in two weeks?”

“Yeah,” Chris gave a smile as John picked up his stuff. “See ya, man.”

“Yup, bye buddy. Hope Santa’s good to you this year.” Chris laughed as John pulled his suitcase through the door and, just as Chris turned to his laptop, he heard the door creak open a little more. “When’s Zach going home for break?”

“Uh, tomorrow afternoon,” Chris replied, confused. “Why?”

“Have a Happy New Year as well, eh!”

“Yeah, you too—” Before Chris could say anymore, John was out the door.

***

The insistent knocking was what woke Chris up that night.

He stayed in bed hoping that whoever was banging on his door would get tired of it and eventually move on to bother someone else. Almost all the students in the building had left home for the holidays so Chris wasn't overly surprised a drunk had decided tonight would be a good night to just go crazy in the residence. But why did it have to be  _Chris’s_ room? It was unfair. His eyes trailed to the bed side table where the clock looked too bright in the darkened room. It was fucking 2AM.

With a frustrated groan Chris swung his feet off the side of the mattress and took a second to calm his dizzy head. The rapping at the door was still as loud as ever and Chris stood on shaky legs to quiet it.

"Please, for the love of God, shut up!" Chris yawned out as he opened the door only to stop with a dumb expression on his face when he saw who was standing there. "Zach?"

Zach looked as if he had just finished running a marathon. There was a bit of sweat on his brow and his chest was heaving as if he were about to cough up a lung. His eyes widened with surprise as he stammered, "Y-you're okay...?"

"What?" Chris frowned. "What are you doing here?"

"I got a call," Zach said, pressing a hand to his temple and hunching over slightly from exhaustion. He panted in between every word as he spoke. "John said he had gotten a text from you saying there was an emergency.... but he's already home so I had to come see you. I ran..." Zach's voice trailed off and he looked embarrassed, an expression Chris had never seen on his face before.

“Why wouldn't I just phone 911 if I was in ‘big trouble’?" Chris laughed. “Or just phone you and not John?”

"I guess when I get an emergency phone call at 2 in the morning I just assume it’s true."

Zach's voice had an edge to it and Chris stopped laughing. Zach looked as if he might fall over but his eyes were full of relief. Running from Zach's residence to Chris's was not exactly a quick sprint and Chris slumped. "I'm sorry, man. I can’t believe John would be such an ass-hat."

Zach shook his head and turned his eyes to the ground. He gave a ragged exhale and moved his hand over his face. “N-nah...” He slouched and his hands reached out weakly to find Chris. He held on to the front of Chris’s t-shirt and his knuckles were white under his skin. “Give me a second... ‘kay?”

Chris nodded and was surprised when he felt Zach's arms wrap around him. Not in a tight bear hug but more just needing to rest.

Needing to know that Chris was actually there

"Fuck, I thought... Something had happened.... I wouldn't see you again..." His voice was just barely audible but it made Chris shake and he moved to hold Zach tight.

Zach hugged back until his knees buckled and Chris couldn't take the weight, both of them falling to the floor in the doorway. Chris didn't care that they were under the fluorescent lights in the hallway and anyone could choose right then to walk in or that the security camera was pointing right at them. He wasn’t letting go of Zach. He didn't want to ever give this up; this feeling of being held and being held back and being needed.

He could feel Zach pressing his nose against his neck and there were heavy breaths. Chris felt everything melt from him. All the sadness, all the anger and just everything that had been building up over the past few months suddenly floated away. He would almost believe he was floating if it wasn't for Zach's weight keeping him firmly in place. Chris moved to press his nose, just a little, against Zach's chin, the stubble itching at his tender skin. They moved until their noses were pressing against each others, a sleepy movement, before Chris gently pressed his lips against Zach’s. He wasn’t slapped away this time and Zach instead kissed back, placing a soft kiss on Chris’s mouth before going in for more.

Chris felt a warmth quickly growing in his gut as his arms moved from around Zach’s side to start messing in his hair. Zach groaned into the kiss and nipped at Chris’s lip, shifting so that he could move in closer. Zach jumped back in surprise when he pressed his body against Chris’s and felt the bulge in Chris’s pyjama pants.

“You’re hard?” Zach blinked and Chris felt his face grow hot with embarrassment.

“I can’t believe you’re still surprised,” Chris scoffed. “I  _like_  you, Zach.”

Zach continued to look bewildered for a second before going in for a deep, toe-curling kiss and toppling Chris over in the process. They tangled their legs together and their hands pulled at each other’s clothing. Chris didn’t feel the fear of being dominated like he had with the guy at the party. He actually liked Zach’s strong body on top of him, the heavy weight of him enveloping Chris’s body in a wave of heat. Chris kept kissing him even though his body wanted more, hormones screaming to speed this up. He tried to ignore it though, even though he could feel Zach’s own needy hands and his hard dick.

Chris pulled back to give an experimental nip to Zach’s ears. Zach moaned and bit at his neck, hands sneaking down Chris’s back down to grip at his ass. Chris grunted at the sudden squeeze and he arched his back up off the ground. “D-do you..,” Chris stammered over his words before clearing his throat and nodding his head towards the bed.

Zach moved his hands back to Chris’s hips. “Are you sure about this?” he asked, not looking as if he wanted to back off in the least.

“Yeah...,” Chris said, eyeing Zach’s scruff. He moved his soft lips close to brush against the bristles and moved his mouth against Zach’s cheek, “Everything’s just... new.”

Zach moved to kiss him before they both stood up and moved to the bed. The covers were still thrown around from Chris rushing to the door earlier and the pillows were littering the floor. There was no hesitancy as Chris reached for Zach’s shirt, pulling it up over his head and then doing the same with his own. Chris could have looked at Zach forever if his dick wasn’t so hard right then. He kissed furiously as Zach played with the button on Chris’s pants, trying to work them off.

Chris reached his hand up to Zach’s chest and, when his hands didn’t feel the soft, squish of breasts but thick dark chest hair instead, he pulled back. His fingers played in it curiously and Zach stayed as still as he could as if he might spook Chris. When Chris tweaked a nipple and moved to touch his tongue to Zach’s Adams’ apple Zach figured it was okay to move.

Pants were flung away without Chris tripping awkwardly, which he was quite thankful about, and Zach gripped at Chris’s ass, pulling him closer so that he could easily feel Chris’s cock through his briefs. Chris’s breathing was a heavy pant by then and he released a strangled noise that he had been trying to hold back. “You’re a good boy, Chris,” Zach whispered in his ear.

Chris was about to say something about not wanting to be treated like a dog but Zach pushed his hips forward and all that came out was an incredibly loud moan. Zach pressed his nose into Chris’s hair, pressing kisses all over his head. Chris couldn’t help but think he was being marked., like Zach was putting a “NO GIRLS ALLOWED” sign up or a collar around Chris’s neck. And Chris didn’t care. He wanted to be with Zach and he gave a hard bite on Zach’s jaw as his own marking.

Zach brushed a hand against Chris’s bulge and Chris practically yelped at the contact. “Fuck,” Chris groaned and they began rutting against each other until Chris was panting into Zach’s mouth, licking at his lips. Zach pulled his  briefs off and his dick sprung up, almost hitting his belly. Chris took off his own briefs and began touching himself. He was close.

It was like his hand was glued to his dick; he kept stroking it and Zach replaced it with his own in a fluid motion. Chris bit the inside of his cheek and couldn’t tear his eyes away from Zach’s hand. It was... strong. And firm. When Zach pressed a finger to the underside of Chris’s dick and a thumb to the slit he moaned loudly. “Fuck, Zach....” And his breathing came out fast as he came, his body shivering and his hips moving quickly in Zach’s hand.

He took his time to breathe and Zach jerked him all the way through his orgasm.

Chris fell forward and kissed Zach’s arms the best he could while he breathed hot and wet. He nuzzled against the thick hairs and tried to express how awesome the hand job was and how they should have done that sooner and everything he would be saying if his mouth was working properly.

It was then that he noticed Zach was still hard and he moved down towards it, pressing a saliva-wet kiss on the tip of his leaking cock.

“Chris!” Zach practically shouted. Chris laughed, hot breaths puffing onto Zach’s cock before he touched his tongue to the slit. Zach’s hips began bucking furiously and Chris had to wrap a hand around Zach’s dick to keep him still. Zach didn’t seem to mind though and sighed as Chris began to pump him, only putting his lips over the head in fear of Zach beginning another bout of thrusting as he got closer to climax.

Chris actually enjoyed giving Zach head. He thought for sure he would have been grossed out or whatever just by the thought of it. But when he saw Zach’s eyes, unfocused and watering, watching Chris bobbing his head up and down made him almost as aroused as if he were the one receiving the blow job. Well, not quite. But,  _fuck_ , it was a hot image.

Zach tipped his head back and his body tensed as he came. Cum landed on Chris’s face and in his hair. Once Zach’s body calmed down and he caught a look at Chris he quickly sat up, “Are you okay? Shit, I didn’t mean to—Geez, I’m sorry...”

Chris laughed as he grabbed a Kleenex and began to get the spunk out of his hair. Zach immediately began to help out, mumbling apologetically. It was the second time Chris had seen Zach so embarrassed and he couldn’t help but lean in for a kiss. Zach relaxed into his arms and they both lied down.

“Ugh I got spooge everywhere,” Chris yawned as he took more Kleenex to his tummy until Zach took it away from him and wrapped him into a tight hug. Chris ignored the wet spots that were still all over his comforter and closed his eyes; the early morning hour and the ‘excitement’ of the last twenty minutes finally hitting him hard.

“You okay?” Zach asked when Chris shook.

Chris nodded, barely able to do anything more. He sank against Zach’s chest and purred in pleasure. Zach was so warm and nice. Chris had passed coherency long ago and he could barely keep his eyes opened now. “I’m okay,” he murmured and Zach kissed his mouth.  He pressed in closer, if he wasn’t so tired he would’ve gone for round two. The clock said it was almost 3AM and Chris could feel himself drifting to sleep. He wanted badly to touch Zach and speak dirty words into his ear instead of drooling onto his arm.

Both of them curled around each other, legs tangling and fingers twisting in hair.

“Geez, you know I imagined our first time being a little more than jerking each other off,” Chris laughed before yawning loudly.

“You were going to rock my world at 3AM?” Zach joked as he snuggled in close to Chris after throwing a stray Kleenex somewhere on the floor. Chris wanted to continue to joke but all he could manage to do was chuckle. Zach kissed his sweaty hair and Chris made quiet humming noises.

He didn’t even know why it mattered now but Chris couldn’t help but murmer, “I’m sorry...” and hold on to Zach tighter.

Zach pulled away and blinked before shaking his hand. “C’mon, Chris... I’m sorry too. I pushed you away even though....” He looked away and Chris pushed his mouth against his.

He didn’t want to talk anymore. They had talked enough over the past few months and each time words seemed to get lost in translation. But when they were like this—enjoying each other’s presence and just being honest and listening, everything seemed to fit.

The silence of the room finally seemed to match the mood Chris had been feeling all along. Since he had met Zach there had always been the comfort and the safety no matter where they were. And Chris was able to just revel in it and curl up closer to Zach without worrying about the consequences. He sighed against Zach’s mouth and knew everything was finally okay. All that stupid teen-angst, Dawson’s-Creek-drama-bullshit was gone and all that was left was the warmth and comfort that love had been holding back from him.

***

“Hey.”

Karl was more than a little surprised to see John standing in his doorway at ass o’clock in the morning. “Hey... What’s going on..?” he asked with a yawn. “I thought you were heading home tonight?”

“Nope, it was all a part of a devious plan! So, can I stay in your room? Mine’s preoccupied.” John gave a wink and Karl looked weary.

Closing the door a little, Karl shook his head. “This isn’t you getting advice for a friend again, is it?”

John laughed. “Nope. I think he’s finally sorted it all out.”

 


End file.
